the trumpabet – the letter ‘h’

February 10, 2017

Hand
n. A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and commonly thrust into somebody’s pocket.

Happiness
n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.

Haughty
adj. Proud and disdainful, like a waiter.

Hemp
n. A plant from whose fibrous bark is made an article of neckwear which is frequently put on after public speaking in the open air and prevents the wearer from taking cold.

History
n. An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.

Homicide
n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable and praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain whether he fell by one kind or another — the classification is for advantage of the lawyers.

Honest
adj. Afflicted with an impediment in his dealing.

Honorable
adj. [1.] Afflicted with an impediment in one’s reach. In legislative bodies it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, “the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur.” [2.] Holding or having held a certain office in the public service — a title of courtesy, as “the Honorable Snatchgobble Bilque, Member of Congress.”

Hypocrite
n. One who, professing virtues that he does not respect, secures the advantage of seeming to be what he despises

Selections taken from the Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce as they apply to the 45th president of the United States.